Becoming the Gentle Observer: Letting Go, One Supportive Choice at a Time

Dear Land Loved,

This question is really about letting go. Letting go of story, of righteousness (even when we have been wronged), past relationships, traumatic events, actual stuff, misalignments.. I'm so hard on myself (and then others… need to give more grace and have better fault tolerance) I can do better. I have noticed this difficulty on letting go and trusting the magic because I've lost a lot of trust in myself.. I get to a better place and then can't seem to hold it for very long then relapse by letting go of something that I actually really loved or binge watching tv even tho the wise voice within warns me not to.. it takes more than it gives but I'm so easily addicted. I don't know how to change it so my true alignment actually sticks. I know there's a better version of me that wants to come through if only I can learn to let that shit goooo.

Thank you so much for this submission. I hear this as two questions: how do we let go of the past, and how do we establish healthy, supportive habits in the present?

Let’s dive in.

First, let’s pause and acknowledge how hard you’re working and how far you’ve already come. It takes courage and effort to become conscious of our own shadow, our patterns, our coping mechanisms, and the ways we may be unconsciously hurting ourselves. One of the most painful phases of growth is when we see what we’re doing, want to change it, and still find ourselves repeating it anyway.

This doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re learning.

I like to visualize growth as a spiral. At first, we’re living fairly unconsciously. Then something shifts. We notice patterns, we connect dots, we start to understand ourselves more deeply. And then comes the hardest part: wanting to change, needing to change, and watching ourselves stumble as we practice new ways of being.

This is the phase where extending yourself some grace is essential. We all fell down countless times when we learned to walk. This is no different. You’re learning new emotional, nervous system, and behavioural skills. That takes time. This is where it can be helpful to become “the gentle observer.” Noticing without judgment. Witnessing without shame. Transformation isn’t instant. This frustrating space of “I know I can do better” is actually a necessary part of becoming who you’re meant to be.

You can and will do better. But this stage, watching yourself struggle, relapse, and try again, is not a failure. It’s part of the path.

Something that can help during this uncomfortable time is creating a supportive inner phrase. For example:

“Even though I’m disappointed in myself for binge-watching that show, I love and support myself completely. I know I can choose to make more supportive choices for myself.”

This kind of gentle self-talk can interrupt shame spirals and soften harsh inner criticism. Shame rarely motivates real change. Compassion does.

Trusting ourselves takes time. So does rebuilding self-trust when it’s been fractured. We do this through small, consistent acts of integrity with ourselves. Accountability, but gentle accountability. Starting small is key. Instead of trying to fix everything at once, pick one tiny, doable place to begin.

Let’s talk about binge-watching for a moment. Rather than immediately labeling it as “bad,” it can be helpful to ask: What am I getting from this? Escape? Rest? Comfort? Distraction? Relief?

For me, I love being transported into another world. I love stories. As a kid, I would disappear into books for hours and it felt magical. Luckily for me I had a parent to set limits and make sure I was eating etc. As adults, we’re responsible for regulating ourselves, which can be hard. So instead of cutting something out completely, sometimes it’s healthier to build a more conscious relationship with it.

Maybe an episode becomes a reward after tending to yourself in ways that are less exciting but more nourishing. Maybe you create gentle boundaries around when and how you engage. Some people thrive with total abstinence, others with mindful moderation. There’s no single right answer, just the question: Is my relationship with this supporting me or draining me?

A few helpful reflections: What am I getting from this? How is my relationship with this harming me? Can I adjust this relationship in a healthier way, or do I need to let it go completely?

And finally, habits. Creating non-negotiable, rock-solid habits has changed my life, and I wish someone had explained this to me earlier. Some things will never be fun. Some things will never be sexy. Some things we just do because they support our future self.

We brush our teeth. We take out the trash. We clean the litter box.

I don’t enjoy cleaning my cat’s litter box, but I enjoy having a fresh house and a happy cat much more than I dislike the task. That’s the trade-off. Sometimes we have to parent ourselves. Sometimes being a little strict at first is what creates safety, rhythm, and stability later.

I love having a non-negotiable category for self-care. These are things I do no matter what, like brushing my teeth twice a day or drinking nourishing herbal infusions. When I catch myself saying I’m “too busy,” I ask: What am I actually prioritizing over my well-being?

Often the answer that comes up is nonsense, because what is more important than our well-being?

So how do we let go of the past? Often, the first step is untangling it, especially if it still feels knotted up inside us. If it’s accessible, working with a supportive counsellor or therapist can be incredibly helpful in this process. Having a safe, neutral space to unpack old stories, emotions, and experiences can bring so much clarity and relief. That said, it’s not essential. There is also powerful work we can do on our own.

Let’s talk about one simple but meaningful exercise for letting go of the past. You mentioned being very hard on yourself, and that’s a beautiful place to begin. If there’s something in your past you’re not proud of, something that still carries embarrassment, regret, or shame, this is an invitation into self-forgiveness. Set aside some quiet time and journal about the experience. Write honestly. Let yourself feel what’s there. Then, gently remind yourself that you did the best you could with the awareness, tools, and capacity you had at that moment in your life. Acknowledge your growth. Forgive yourself. And set the intention to choose differently moving forward, not from self-judgment, but from love.

So when it comes to letting go, of old stories, old identities, and old coping mechanisms, remember: this is not a one-time event. It’s a practice. A soft, daily release. A willingness to begin again, and again, and again.

The better version of you isn’t waiting on the other side of perfection. They’re already here, growing through your effort, your awareness, your honesty, and your desire to love yourself more fully.

And that’s no small thing.

With love,

Vanessa

P.S. I run a women’s counselling practice and also host free monthly women’s groups, gentle, welcoming spaces designed to help you feel seen, supported, and held. You're very welcome here. 🖤