When Your Childfree Future Doesn’t Match His Plans — and Herbs That Can Help You De-Stress

Dear Land Loved,

My partner of 7 years and I really do love each other, but we keep having the same fight over and over and over about kids. He really wants them one day, and I really don’t. I’ve told him so many times that it’s not something I see for myself. It’s not a phase or fear or trauma, or anything, I just don’t want to be a mom. But every time we talk about it, things get heated. Last time, he called me selfish for not wanting children. He said I was only thinking about myself and not “our future,” and that it’s what “normal families” do. I don’t think he meant to be mean, but it really hurt and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

We keep going in circles. He feels like having kids is part of his life plan, and I feel like having kids when you truly don’t want them is a terrible idea. Neither of us is budging, and I’m starting to worry this may be a sign we’re not actually meant to be together.

How do I know if this is something we can fix or if we’re just too different on something that matters this much?

Signed,

Unsure About My Future

P.S. Any herbs for stresssss please? Fuckkkk.

Dear Unsure About My Future,

This is a big one.

I hear you. Let’s dive in—I’ll get straight to the meat of it. You asked if this is something you and your partner can fix. Considering that you’re both quite sure about what you want, and on opposite ends of the spectrum, I’m inclined to say no. But I’m also inclined to say that “fixing” things—or labeling them as broken—might not be super helpful here.

Perhaps this relationship was nourishing in the past and offered you many wonderful things. All of that, plus your love for your partner, is still true. However, sometimes relationships simply reach their natural conclusion. This isn’t a failure—it’s two people walking paths that are diverging. That’s life. It can be painful, but it isn’t wrong.

I’ll also share (unfiltered) that I’m not a fan of your partner’s most recent response. Whether or not he meant to be mean, he said hurtful things. It doesn’t sound like he is truly able to hear and honor your decision. On a side note, I always find it hilarious when men label women as “selfish” for not wanting kids. Not having children usually leads to a more selfless life—people support family, community, and leave their estates to others when they die, rather than focusing solely on direct offspring. Take this with a grain of salt—it’s coming from a fiercely independent feminist, childless cat lady, and Witch who deeply enjoys her freedom and loves supporting her community. Remember, unmarried, childless women are not only the happiest subgroup of the population but also outlive their married, child-raising peers.

You deserve someone who respects your decisions and wants similar things out of life. Believe me, people like you exist—and they are out there waiting to meet you. Your partner deserves to find someone who will produce for him a squalling infant he can tend to. Good luck with the diapers, sir. Hopefully, he seeks therapy before inflicting himself and his antiquated ideas on another woman—or before “gasp”—becoming a father.

If you do decide to try working things out with your partner, I strongly recommend couples counselling. A skilled mediator can help your partner communicate in a more respectful, constructive way and help you both explore your values without turning every conversation into a fight. And remember: knowing what you want (potentially breaking up) and acting on it later is perfectly okay. Full disclosure: I don’t do couples counselling. I work with women navigating their own lives—and if you need support, guidance, or just a sane voice while you sort through this, I’m 100% ready. If you're curious, you can check out what I do here.

As for herbs that help de-stress, there are plenty! Though I bet once you leave this infant-craving maniac (forgive me, I’m having fun here), you’ll need them less. Here are my two personal faves:

Motherwort (Leonurus cardiaca): Take as a tincture. Motherwort is known to calm anxiety, and using Motherwort can feel like sitting in a comforting mother’s lap. I’ve used Motherwort lavishly through a few breakups myself. (Note: Motherwort tincture can increase vascularization to the uterus and heart, so daily—not occasional—use is contraindicated for women with endometriosis or fibroids.)

California poppy (Eschscholzia californica): Take as a tincture. A gentle but effective herb with mild sedative properties, California poppy promotes restful sleep and eases anxiety. Its calming effects help reduce stress and nervous tension without causing grogginess.

If you’re a bath person, I also recommend making yourself a lovely herbal bath. Brew a strong tea of lavender, pour it into your bath, soak forever, and become a mermaid. I’m literally writing this from a bath right now. The goal is to find a safe, restful space where you can calm your nervous system.

Also, a strong, nourished body handles transitions with greater ease. Which is why, drum roll, I recommend drinking nourishing herbal infusions. I know I’ve recommended them to every “Dear Land Loved” submission so far, but it’s because they work. Oatstraw, in particular, is incredibly nourishing to the nervous system. Here’s a link to my free PDF, which explains how and why to make them. 

Wishing you all the courage, clarity, and peace you need as you navigate this transition. You deserve a life that aligns with your values, a partner (if that’s what you want) who truly supports your choices, and a heart that feels free and supported. Trust yourself, and remember that better moments—and more fulfilling relationships—are ahead. Sending you love, strength, and good luck on this next chapter.

Warmly,

Vanessa 🖤

PS: Sometimes it’s okay to let decisions (like breaking up) “sit” for a while—my grandmother once told me to treat big choices like an egg: sit on it, give it time, and eventually it’ll be ready to hatch.