Moving Through Grief Gently

Dear Land Loved,

For years I have been a caregiver to my sick parents as well as child. Losing my mother two years ago and my dad a month ago. I'm turning 43 soon and just finding myself having a hard time gaining my focus, strength and vitality back. I deeply understand the process of grief and don't expect too much of myself. That said I feel I need extra help navigating these waters of chronic burnout, hormonal and body changes and Grief.

Looking for herbal supports, tips on finding my new identity and just moving forward in life without my parent's.

I hear you. And I am so deeply sorry for your losses.

Let’s dive in.

It makes so much sense that you are struggling to regain focus, strength, and vitality. And truly, those things are not the priority in this season of grief. They will return in their own time. You described yourself as having chronic burnout, so of course your body is tired now. You were caregiving. You were present at that threshold between life and death. That kind of sustained presence takes enormous energy.

I believe in letting the body lead. After loss, the body is often tired. If your body is tired, then rest. There is no need to worry about your fatigue. No need to be on a schedule with your grief. No need to rush into understanding or constructing your new identity.

Right now, what matters is deeply nourishing yourself. Listening to your body. Protecting that spark within you.

It sounds like your creative spark may be a small ember right now. That's okay. Your job is not to force it into flame. Your job is to keep it safe. Tend to it gently. Trust that your fire will return when the time is right, because that ember is still there. You have been giving so much for so long. It is time to give to yourself. Give yourself space. Give yourself time. Give yourself care and grace.

You mentioned that you understand grief, so you already know it has its own intelligence and its own timeline. I'm glad you are not expecting too much of yourself, because this is a time to take it easy.

You are not only mourning the loss of your parents. You may also be mourning the loss of the version of you who carried enormous responsibility, emotional weight, and presence for such a long time. When that role ends, there can be a strange emptiness. A disorientation. Not quite knowing where to put yourself anymore.

On top of all of that, you may be entering the beginning of your menopausal transformation. Grief alone changes you. Menopause alone changes you. Moving through both at once is a profound dismantling and becoming.

On a personal note, I can relate to losing both parents. I know what it is like to feel too young to lose your elders. I know what it is like to lose focus, to move through creative atrophy, to feel like a shadow of who you once were while others quietly wonder when you will bounce back.

Here are a few things that helped me.

I kept a handful of non negotiables. Nothing elaborate. Just simple anchors.

Food and nourishing herbal infusions.

My meals became simpler during grief. But I made sure I had nourishing herbal infusions. I could boil water, put herbs in a jar, and that felt doable. There is so much support and nutrition in that simplicity.

Stinging nettle leaf is a wonderful ally for energy, adrenal support, and deep nourishment. Oatstraw is very supportive for the nervous system, helping to rebuild and soothe what has been frayed over time. I like to rotate through five or six different herbs rather than relying on just one, so the body receives a broader spectrum of support. I have a free infusion guide that walks through how to make them, which herbs are good for infusions, and how to build a simple rotation based on what your body needs. Infusions are also beautiful supports during menopause.

Another thing you might consider is allying with a plant to accompany you through your grief. Some people love lemon balm for its joyful, uplifting energy. Some love rose for heart support. I love motherwort tincture for soothing frayed nerves and helping me stay grounded and calm.

Depending on where you are in your process, I will share something more candid. Early in my grief, when I truly could not focus and basic life tasks were falling apart, dishes molding in the sink and I was barely existing in the land of the living, I found that a very small nightly dose of cannabis helped me stabilize my home environment. Not to escape the grief, but to keep things from tipping into chaos. Cannabis is a powerful plant, and I used it consciously and sparingly. I am not saying there is anything wrong with collapse. Sometimes collapse is necessary. But for me, at a certain point, it stopped being helpful and was just gross.

Grief can be messy. Literally messy. Biohazard messy.

Hopefully you are reading this and thinking, I have it far more together than that. And yes, I'm trying to make you laugh. Laughter is powerful medicine. Go home and watch good comedy. Let yourself feel something other than sorrow for a little while.

Ask for help when you need it. If you have friends or community, let them support you in concrete ways like a meal, childcare, a massage, or whatever would genuinely ease your load. People often want to show up in times of grief, and naming what you need allows them to do so meaningfully.

I also had Moon Lodge to hold me through my grief. It is a monthly women’s circle I have been facilitating for over a decade, and that space became a steady anchor for me. Being able to speak honestly about what was happening in my inner world without fixing, minimizing, or judgment was incredibly healing.

Having a safe space where you can show up as you are makes such a difference. And if it feels aligned for you, the support of other women in your community can be deeply nourishing.

It can also help to have a practice that brings you back into your body. Stretching. Yoga. Simply breathing mindfully. If you are overwhelmed, schedule less.

And perhaps most radically, choose to support your body no matter what.

If you are tired, rest. Truly rest.

Your energy will return. I promise. The future you will be so proud of the rest and rejuvenation you allowed yourself now.

Ritual can help too. If it feels right, create an altar space to honour your mother and father, or add something to one you already have. Photographs. Objects that remind you of them. A place where your grief has somewhere physical to land. A physical reminder or representation of the dead can help ease our transition of living here without them in the physical realm.

You are in a profound passage. Give yourself permission to move through it gently.

With love,

Vanessa 🖤

P.S. Feel free to submit another question if you need clarity or more support.